Earnings season is upon us and every big tech company is, or will soon be, announcing record profits for the quarter ending December 31, 2025. Here are some numbers from their announcements.
Net Income
- Apple: (Pinky to mouth) $1 Trillion.
- Google: A ton, but it's all going into a project they'll cancel by end of year. Call it a wash.
- Microsoft: More than last year, but only because of accounting tricks.
- Oracle: No one cares about Oracle.
Cloud Investments
- Apple: All 10 Macs running Apple Arcade will be upgraded to iPad Airs.
- Google: 2 more datacenters for GCP. Whatever that is.
- Microsoft: To meet their carbon commitments, they will randomly shut off an Azure datacenter for 2 days this quarter. An announcement e-mail will be sent the morning of.
- Oracle: No one cares about Oracle.
Money Lost to Competitors
- Apple: $0. Everyone who left forgot to unsubscribe from Apple One Premier.
- Google: $12 Billion paid out to be the default search engine.
- Microsoft: $300, but on paper they made $14 Million.
- Oracle: No one cares about Oracle.
A.I. Investments
- Apple: Every built-in iPhone app can now use A.I., coming in a future update.
- Google: Google Gemini Genie Gang, aka The Big G, is the name of the next version of Gemini. No new features were announced.
- Microsoft: 32 new Co-Pilots added to Azure services.
- Oracle: No one cares about Oracle.
Companies Purchased
- Apple: No idea. They kept it a secret.
- Google: 2 YouTube competitors.
- Microsoft: 6 game studios to build out their catalogs of games for Netflix.
- Oracle: No one cares about Oracle. But they'll fail to buy Warner Bros.
Money Pledged to OpenAI
- Apple: Don't be silly. Apple doesn't give other companies money.
- Google: $2.50 so they can vote No at every investor meeting.
- Microsoft: $20 Billion over the next 10 years, again.
- Oracle: No one cares about Oracle.