The globalGlob(**/*) may only be a month old, but we want to hit the ground running in tech journalism. So we sent our whole team to CES 2026 to review the latets and greatest consumer technology being peddled. It may be our first visit, but we think this was the best show ever. It can only be downhill from here. Below are our awards from our first annual visit to the Consumer Electronics Show.
Best in Show
The snack cart was always there for us. No matter how hung over we were between the hours of 9 AM and 5 PM, and we were exceptionally hung over between those hours, the cart offered everything we needed to make it through the day. Hot dogs, pizza rolls, a little bit of cocaine (Vegas baby!), double shots of grease, warm bread, and a selection of energy drinks to rival any non-airport 7-11. The snack cart gets the globalGlob(**/*) Best In Show award. The only award with a physical prize, a sticker that says, "I ain't no Jabroni!"
Best A.I.
A.I. technology is advancing each and every day, which made this the hardest award to place. This year the Best A.I. award goes to a contender with minimal features, but it executes on them flawlessly. The Yamaha Smart Blinds A-290. The blinds that listen for your command, from a button on a remote, to open until they are 100% open. And when you command them to close, also from the remote, they will move until they are 100% closed. That's 200% more functionality than non-A.I. blinds, and at least 130% more A.I. functionality than all other A.I. blinds systems we tested (and we tested a lot in November). The blinds had one bug we were able to reproduce consistently. If you attach a keyboard and use the chat interface, it will tell you to set fires to the room. But the engineers we spoke to are confident that will be fixed by the production A.I. model before these ship to consumers.
Best Vehicle
You know how the U.S. military wanted to use raptors for combat missions in the Jurassic World series? Turns out Oracle has been working on that for decades. But since they're not as bulletproof as the movies make them out to be, they've been repurposed as personal transports. An Oracle Riding Raptor can reach a top speed of 12 MPH or 30 KPH, and eat 3 chickens per minute. Perfect for the busy student with back-to-back classes across campus, or anyone who wants to show off at the golf course. Sadle not included.
Best Computer
The Lenovo BR-127, better known as The Brick, is the latest-and-greatest from their line of durable computing devices. The 2026 model improves on previous years by adding back the PS/2 and VGA ports that have been missing the past 2 years. The latest model also includes a premium carrying handle, improving on the flimsy one introduced last year. But the best feature in our eyes is the dedicated brick slot, which adds a nice heft to the device giving it a real premium feel. We only wish it came with a premium brick, and not a cheap plastic insert.
Best Streaming Service
The Family Plan+ is a revolutionary streaming service that has, "Why didn't I think of it first?" written all over it. It allows up to 69 people (nice) to join a group account. Each person can add as many streaming service passwords to the group account as they want. Anyone in the group can stream using the shared account credentials. I signed up immediatly and won't be paying for my own YouTube TV or PornHub account ever again since my parents already pay for those, and they can continue to use my Netflix account but with a much easier interface. Roku has already announced they will be adding this to their devices in the coming months, and more streaming devices should be getting the service once contract negotiations complete.
Best Fitness Tech
Da Bomb Treadmill, from start-up 'Bomb-Bomb Fitness', has every premium feature you could ask for in a treadmill. 12" screen, 2 fans, incline/decline functionality, a bomb that explodes when you go below 2 MPH, and an expandable cup holder that can fit any cup from your Stanley collection. This treadmill has everything. The team is taking pre-orders via Kickstarter, and plans to ship models this summer.
Best Multimedia Software
VLC Media Player is still the best at playing media from any questionable source.
Best Security
Pete with a Gun. $27 an hour plus expenses. $33 on weekends.
Weirdest Tech
The new Cabbage Patch Doll that alternates between 2 voice lines. "Please help me!" and "But I'm not a doll. I'm a real kid from a cabbage patch." We don't understand why it couldn't have more voice lines. Considering they're driven by an A.I. model, it should have at least 8.
Best Chance At Killing You
Even 4 years after opening, nothing can compete with the Tesla Tunnel, better known as the Las Vegas Convention Center Loop. With a single lane and no emergency walkway, the slightest emergency will leave you stranded for hours and anything more will make sure you can't walk away from the experience. We still haven't worked up the courage to try it.