Apple CEO Tim Cook announced he is stepping down from the CEO role and will be replaced by John Ternus this September. Ternus sat down with us for a quick interview before realizing we're not the New York Times.
Congrats on the new job. Thanks. I wanted to retire and relax on a beach, but this is good too.
So, uh....why did you get the job? You know how everything is A.I. these days? During the interview, I said we should put some of that in the iPhone. Tim Cook was so impressed, he practically offered me the job right then.
What's your plan for your first week on the job? There are a lot of required HR training videos.
How about the first 6 months on the job? I really want to clamp down on waste within the company. Apparently we have a side business making TV shows losing $1 billion a year. I know, chump change. But every little bit helps.
Tim Cook grew the company valuation from $347 billion to over $1 trillion. Do you think you can do something similar? Oh yeah, that'll be easy. Tim Cook gave out this gold stand to our, uh, political partner. They're expensive, but the ROI is crazy good. I plan to do way more of that.
What do you want the rank and file at Apple to know about you? I am no longer anyone's friend. Tim Cook let secrets leak way too often, and I will be enforcing Apple's policies on secrecy even more harshly. I'm talking round the clock monitoring, lie detector tests, cavity searches whenever they arrive at, or leave, the office. I want to do the same when people work from home too, but I'm still working through the logistics.
Any last statements to close out the interview? I just started putting milk into the bowl after the cereal. Total game changer. Everyone should do it that way.