Your code sucks. I know it. You know it. Everyone on LinkedIn knows it. But improving your code isn't just aspirational anymore because as of this morning, the latest standard from the DevExMatters Standards Working Group, YouGood v1.0, was ratified saying your code can't suck anymore.
Don't take it personally. The group at DevExMatters Standards say they will cycle through developers who need to improve. They're starting with you and will move on to someone else at a later date. Just as soon as they find someone else as bad at it. They're not targeting you as a person, even though code is an extension of your personal abilities.
Due to their technical nature, standards are hard to read. But the team wanted to get the point across by writing the standard in the most succinct way they could think up. With a series of 'Yo-Mamma' styled statements about your code.
- Yo code so bad, Claude Code thought it wrote it.
- Yo cyclomatic complexity so high, it's a circle.
- Yo code so bad, the bundler didn't include it.
- Yo code so bad, the OS called it malicious.
- Yo code so bad, your infinite loops run 5 times.
- Yo code so bad, pretty-print called it ugly.
- Yo code so bad, your singletons got 4 instances.
- Yo methods so long, Visual Studio told you to use #regions.
- Yo code so bad, your tech debt charges you $12.99 weekly.
- Yo code so bad, OCR says it's hieroglyphs.
- Yo code got so many commented-out code blocks, they run.
- Yo code commits so bad, the git error is just, "nah".
- Yo code got so many god objects, it's a pantheon.
- Yo code so bad, GitHub keeps making it non-Open Source.
- Yo code so bad, your release parties are postmortems.
- Yo code so bad, your C++ is C--.
- Yo microservices so small, DevOps doesn't deploy them.
- Yo code so bad, your random numbers are all 7.
- Yo code so hard to read, Perl devs feel sorry for you.
- Yo code so slow, a snail fetches DB records faster.
- Yo code got so many util classes, the utils call utils.
- Yo sprint estimates so wrong, the government wants you to work for them.
- Yo code so insecure, hackers get infected sending you a ping.
- Yo global variables so global, changing state affects other apps.
- Yo
if()statements so bad, they'remaybe()statements. - Yo code so bad, StackOverflow marks your answers as spam.
- Yo code so bad, it thinks 1 + 1 = 3.
- Yo code so bad, OpenAI didn't scan it into a model.
- Yo code got so many magic numbers, Merlin walked away.
- Yo code deadlocks so much, you need a safe cracker to reset it.
- Yo code so bad, cosmic radiation fixes it.
- Yo code so bad, the minifier made it bigger.
- Yo code so bad, https://theDailyWTF.com added a new category just for you.
- Yo code so bad, other programmers call it the Lost Ark. 'Cause looking at it makes their face melt.
- Yo code so bad, all your changes are breaking changes.
Believe it or not, they kept going. You can read the rest in the spec. But you won't. You have too much work to do fixing your code.
We know it's a big ask to change. But it needs to change. You need to change. You aren't standards compliant anymore, and that's bad (like your code). Stop everything you're doing, and start it up again, but better. Better for a normal developer, not just better for you.